I've recently started a new job and my first few days at the office reminded me of the premier episodes of the Real World. In the beginning everyone is so nice, all smiles, putting their best face forward, and trying to help you feel welcome. Whether it's to make them look better or help reassure you that you've made a good decision to work for that company; people tend to be on their best behavior when there is a new employee in the office. I know in my own experience I've held my tongue around the new employee or tried to give a better impression of the company than I may have truly felt it deserved. However...a few weeks or even just a few days into the job you start to see glimpses of people's true personalities and what you really are getting yourself into. At this point people's representatives have exited stage left and the real person that you'll be working with until you or he/she quits comes out. Luckily, I've had experiences where I realize that the real person is actually better than their representative because guards have been let down and they realize that you aren't here to steal their jobs or spy on them for the boss. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case and when the true essence of who some people are is revealed you sometimes wish you could stuff this new found personality into a closet never to see the light of day again. You find that the person is difficult to work with, doesn't understand that there is more than one way to do things, could care less about team effort, and is always looking for ways to throw somebody under the bus if it makes him/her look better. It seems that there usually at least one that is like this, but the key is to figure out how to either work with or around that person. You can't control that person's actions, but you can control your reactions to people. So instead of things turning into the typical season episode 5 brawl of the Real World, it's best to take the high road and learn how to play well with others despite their idiosyncrasies. It's better to learn how to recognize challenges and be proactive in facing them instead of being reactive not knowing how to handle the situation.
So ladies and gentlemen, when you stopped being polite and started being real were people still enchanted with your personality at work? Have you experienced this Real World change before as the new person at your job? A better question...have you found this same concept to be true with personal relationships? When dating??? That's a whole other post right there! Hahaha....
When People Stop Being Polite...and Start Getting REAL: The Office Edition
Posted by Madeline Mitchell
We live in a time where the general belief is that it's better to be overly busy than having too much free time. We only have 24 hours in a day and we have to do as much as possible with the time we have. It is great to be productive, especially when it helps to work toward a desired goal but it's crucial to make time for the important things in life that contribute to your happiness.
I've come to learn that some of the most important elements that should top the 'to do list' include taking care of yourself, being well rested, and building meaningful relationships. I find that these are the hardest to sometimes accomplish, especially all at once, but the rare times I've been able to reach this trifecta I tend to feel much better about life. When I don't get enough rest and am not being mindful of what I'm eating or not taking vitamins on a regular basis it reflects in my health, whether it's feeling tired or getting sick more often. In a busy life, extreme tiredness nor sickness are welcome as it takes time from accomplishing the goals at hand. It's great to take care of others and give of your time, but at the same time realize that if we don't make ourselves a priority, at least sometimes, we won't be much good to any one else.
The third component of the trifecta, cultivating meaningful relationships, is a component that I've found as I get older becomes harder and harder to achieve. I've found that it's essential for me to have core group of people that I can turn to that will help me navigate life. In realizing this I've also come to an understanding that it requires that I actually take time to build and strengthen my relationships. It's important to call and check up on people, be a good friend, listen when needed, provide words of reassurance and most importantly take time to be there when a friend needs you. I've found that reciprocal relationships have been the healthiest and most rewarding ones, because ultimately I feel like I have not only invested in the relationship but have gained from my investment of time with that other person. How often have you felt that you have been the one that has put more time and effort in a relationship? For me, when I get to this point I often have to figure out if the friendship is worth addressing the issue or if I would be better served by placing that person in the acquaintance category. It may seem like harsh logic, but let's be realistic are you really willing to spend precious time on those who don't seem interested in spending time with you or who never seem to be there for you when needed? This all goes back to the theory that quality is better than quantity. I'll take strong relationships with a few good friends that I can depend on over having hundreds of friends that I can't trust or will drop me like a bad habit when I need them.
So ladies and gentlemen, what have you missed from your life while filling your hectic schedule? Is your hectic schedule fulfilling or are you just filling in the empty spaces with nonsense? You may find that it's likely that you could do a better job at taking care of yourself and others.
I'm Back....Now Let's Fight!
Posted by Madeline Mitchell Labels: Advice, Argue, Fight, Relationships
Ladies and Gentlemen I'm back in business! I took a bit of a break there for a minute. Life got a bit hectic and well the first thing that dropped off was the fun stuff...blogging.So what prompted the comeback? Well along with my life finally calming down a bit, I heard about an incredibly interesting article from the Wall Street Journal this morning on the radio during my drive to work. The article is called 'Fighting Happily Ever After: There's a Right Way to Argue and It Can Be Good for Relationships.' Apparently, arguing isn't the issue as much as how we argue. Fighting fair, using a calm tone, taking time to think before we speak etc are things the article addressed as remedies to making a relationship work despite arguments. Well I think we should all be realistic here, sometimes taking the calm approach doesn't always work in the heat of an argument. We often react to arguments from an emotional place, rather than a calm and logical one. From a personal standpoint I am guilty of not always fighting right. Once I hit that turning point in an argument I am beyond speaking kindly in a calm tone and this whole theory of 'fighting right' is blown out the window. However I digress....recently I have come to the realization that my ability to fight right has more to do with how I personally handle conflict than the actual relationship. I have found that the same issue has come up with different people and feel that it's time for some self reflection instead of continuing to blame everyone else. It's important to understand my triggers and how to deal with them because ultimately I control my actions as well as reactions.
Another, key aspect that the article brought out is that it's essential to resolve issues as they arise. Too often unresolved problems become toxic to what could otherwise be healthy relationships and ultimately cause people to part ways. Sometimes the solution can even be to agree to disagree, but both parties should leave an argument feeling that the situation was resolved. So though no one really wants to go through the pains of arguing, it's necessary to resolve the issue at hand as avoidance can be even more of an issue than fighting.
So ladies and gentlemen, what do you think? Is there a such thing as the right way to fight? Or would we be better off avoiding the situation all together and not fight, though the situation remains unresolved?
I’ve found myself recently not living in my personal truth and as a result it threw me for a huge loop. It may hurt now and I have been emotionally bruised, but it has made me put a mirror in front of myself to see what needs to be healed. I realize that if I’m not being completely honest with myself, it’s hard to be truthful with those around me. When you aren’t living in your personal truth often you not only hurt yourself but others that you deeply care about. Though you can apologize profusely, sometimes the damage has already been done and it’s hard to recover, if at all. Being upfront and honest is much better than having to apologize for the omission of information or living in fear that someone won’t accept you for who you are. In our relationships, especially close or intimate ones, you should trust that you will be accepted for every part of you…the good, the bad, the ugly. Fear often is the culprit of many of us not living our personal truths, which may be a very valid reason but doesn’t excuse us from being fully honest with ourselves and others. However, we have to look beyond our fears and trust that God will not give us more than we can handle. I now understand that God sometimes has to knock you down on your face so that you have to seek Him to find the truth and understanding in your situation.
Please don’t get me wrong, I understand that some of our truths are not ones that we want to scream from the roof tops. A lot of us have been through some pretty personal and hard challenges in life, but we are faced with them to make us stronger and to teach us very valuable lessons. I’ve learned here recently that an important part of living your personal truth is having a friend(s) that you can fully share with, that no matter what he/she will help you navigate through hard times. There is nothing worse than dealing with major challenges in life or being presented with a new personal truth that you simply have to bottle up or keep to yourself. We all at some point in life have to be supported through something. The strongest people have the best support systems because they know that their strength sometimes comes from being reliant on someone else to carry them through difficult situations.
So to anyone that I’ve hurt while not living in my personal truth, I truly and sincerely apologize for any pain that I’ve caused. Realize that I’m not perfect and don’t expect anyone else to be perfect. As we all strive to live in our own personal truths, we will falter because we’re human. It’s important to realize at the heart of most people, they do have good intentions and though their actions may cause pain they were not intended to do so. Forgiveness of self and others goes a long way in living our personal truth. Ladies and gentlemen live in your personal truth; you owe it to yourself and the people you care about the most.
PDA...not the thing you use to keep your schedule...public display of affection. I'm personally an advocate of PDA. I think it's important especially in intimate relationships to feel comfortable to openly express your affection for another person. However, with all things...it's good in moderation. Over killing the PDA can make for a very uncomfortable situation for others who unfortunately fall victim of the situation. Prime example, I was in the line the other day at the store and got a bit more bang for my buck than I really ever wanted. While waiting for my turn to check out with the rest of the many customers at the grocery store on a busy Sunday evening, I was subject to the couple in front of me that forgot they weren't in their bedroom. Now like I said, I am all for PDA...holding hands, a quick kiss, heck I can even handle a little tap on the tush (I'm trying to be liberal here; work with me). However, I do NOT want to see a couple groping each other while I'm trying to stock up on my soy milk and fresh fruit for the week. I honestly don't want to see anybody 'squeezing the melons' as if they are looking for concealed weapons and swapping major spit in public. It really is awkward for onlookers as they start giving each other the "OK let's try not to look at the elephant in the room" face. So please ladies and gentlemen, love each other freely with PDA but realize that you should probably keep some of that for later and be sure not to taint people's innocent precious eyes. Hahaha (go with it people). OK?! Glad we cleared that up :o)
So, how do you feel about PDA? Is there a limit? Or am I just being a prude?
During the record breaking snow storms this month in the DC metro, I realized how important it was to have interaction with other people. I was stuck in my condo for the majority of about 8 days alone and had more than enough time for some self reflection. The biggest thing I came up with was that not only was human contact important but also having an element of affection. I was fortunate to be able to take some breaks from myself and hang out with my neighbors a few times, but somehow it just wasn't the same as being around friends or family who could give me a reassuring hug or look that everything was going to be fine.
As I've grown, affection has become such an important component of my life. It's great to have intimate relationships, but I've come to realize that affection doesn't have to always be romantic. Simply having friends and family there to provide a kind hug or touch just to let you know that you are loved has become a crucial part of life. I even find that genuine affection coming from my family is in one of its purest forms, because it comes from a very unconditional place. Despite my mistakes, I can always depend on my family to give me that reassuring boost of affection that makes me know that things will work out. There is nothing better than being able to crawl in my father's lap (yes I still do that at my age) or see the excitement in my niece and nephews eyes when I see them as they run up to give me a huge hug. All of this for me is necessary to feel like I'm loved and helps me maintain a balance in my life. The strongest person still needs reassurance of loved ones.
My friends have helped to fill that void that I sometimes have from being away from my family and the deficit of affection that I may sometimes feel. I've created a "chosen family" here that loves me, supports me, and provide the affection that is crucial for my life. So I pose the question to you: How important is affection in your relationships? (intimate relationships, family, friends, etc.)
A person's appearance is an outward reflection of his/herself, whether intentional or not. Your appearance whether it's your cloths, jewelry, shoes, style of your hair makes a statement about who you are. Part of the reason that it takes me so long to get dressed sometimes is because my style is usually a reflection of how I'm feeling. If I get up feeling energetic, I usually want to wear something that shows a bit of edge. However, if I'm not feeling well or in a grumpy mood, my outfit will most likely be chosen based on comfort than style. I'm also conscious of what I need to do for the day and dress appropriately, whether I'm going to a conference or out with my friends.
Though I think everyone should express themselves freely through their appearance, it's best to keep in mind the messages you're sending. For example, ladies if men can't seem to focus during a conversation, it could quite possibly have to do with that button you conveniently forgot to fasten or the lack of inches on the bottom of your skirt. This never gives a man a right to lose his mind and say or act inappropriately, but please keep in mind that wearing a revealing outfit may provoke undesired attention. Gentlemen, if you keep attracting immature women or someone that just isn't quite meeting your standards maybe you want to consider wearing an outfit that doesn't look like it's pulled straight from a Nike ad. I'm not criticizing these clothing choices by any means, both styles I've worn at some point. However, I've taken note to when and where certain styles are appropriate and the message that I'm trying to portray. If I want to be relaxed I'll throw on a sweatshirt and jeans, but I do realize if I'm going to Nordstrom or Lord & Taylor the sales person may be reluctant to think I have any real purchasing power. Not to say it's right, but I do know it happens. I know that that a more "professional" appearance tends to command more attention and respect.
So what does your appearance say about you? Are you not getting that promotion you really wanted or attention from the right man/woman? Could it have something to do with your appearance? It might be worth taking a look in the mirror to make sure you're sending the desired messages.
Special birthday shout out to my mother, Ms. Cathy Mitchell! My mother is responsible for helping mold me into the lady I am today. I truly appreciate her for being such a great example over the years. She is the epitome of a true lady from her signature pearls down to the strut in her step. I thank God for blessing me such a fabulous mother!
Also, Happy Birthday to my cousin Briana a young modern lady in her own rights. I'm so proud of her and the lady she's become.
Love you both!
P.S. Happy Birthday to another fabulous lady Ms. Oprah Winfrey. What a great day to be born!
The argument for whether friendships work between those of the opposite sex goes back as far as the playground, a time when we had no desire to be around each other simply because we didn’t want to catch “cooties.” It just wasn’t cool for us to be friends - that alone was enough of an argument to remain enemies. However, hormones inevitably kicked in and those urges to gag when making contact turned into butterflies in the stomach, an instant flushed feeling, or sweaty palms. We had finally developed our first crushes. The hate notes turned into love letters of red roses and blue violets. At some point we mustered up the courage to do one person surveys: Do you like me? Mark Yes, No, or Maybe. We anxiously awaited the polling results, which were hand delivered by a bold friend of the same sex, who already had a crush of their own and realized that no matter the outcome there were “other fish in the sea.” Eventually, we got a yes vote and that crush turned into our first relationship with the opposite sex that deterred us from being repulsed by one another. At this point, we have come to a consensus that cooties are OUT and crushes are IN which begins the era of actual relationships between men and women. Unfortunately, after a broken heart or two the crush phase just isn’t all that appealing anymore, but what we do gain is that the opposite sex isn’t so bad and can be a vital part of our life. Through growth and experience, I believe we then come into a confidant stage where we realize the value of friendships with the opposite sex. Friendships between men and women help us to understand each other better because we’re able to get some inside information that we honestly couldn’t get otherwise.
My explanation of friendship between men and women may be bit remedial, but I think it gets at the core complications of such a relationship. There’s definitely a love-hate, push-pull between the sexes which is inevitable because we are made differently. The hope is that we somehow get to a point where we can appreciate the differences and have enriching relationships. So do I think men and women can be just friends…YES! I find that the perspective of my male friends can sometimes be refreshing and quite enlightening. There are just some topics that frankly a girlfriend and I get stuck on because we don’t have the male perspective. However, I do find it to be important to be clear about the nature of your friendship. Set boundaries and make sure that all parties are aware that it’s purely friendship. Now, it’s not to say that friendships don’t become romantic. A few of my boyfriends started off simply as male friends, so I do understand that relationships can morph. (This is a topic for a whole other post.) The point is you shouldn’t be afraid to befriend the opposite sex because you think that there’s always an underlying attempt for romance. I think by adulthood we all should be more advanced than this. Ladies and gentlemen I encourage you to develop lasting relationships and continue to create enriching friendships with each other.
So it looks like the majority of you all agree that chivalry isn't dead; that's positive. This week's question... Can a man and woman be just friends? Let me know what you think and feel free to provide commentary. I think both sides of the argument are quite interesting.
This week's Modern Lady Spotlight goes to the classic Ms. Meryl Streep, an acclaimed actress. Ms. Streep is definitely one of my favorite actresses as she has the ability to take a roll and completely transform herself in such a convincing way. Throughout her career she has shown class and grace with a diverse portfolio of work. She is truly a modern lady!
This is not a man bashing post, so gentlemen please don't feel like you can't keep reading. I believe the responsibility for the lack of chivalry in today's society lies with both men and women. In my opinion, one of the reasons for the lack of chivalry is the decline in the amount of proper examples for how men and women should interact. I grew up in a family where all the men treated me like a lady, even when I was a child. I'm sure this was, in part, to make sure that I knew how I should be treated by a gentleman and they hoped that I would accept nothing less from other men. I've come to realize that my family is no longer the norm. I'm in no way trying to give men an out here ladies, but you can't expect a man to be chivalrous if he has no clue where to even begin. On the other hand, just like men, some women haven't grown up in an environment where men respected them and treated them like ladies. So some women truly could careless about a man opening their door or pulling out their chair because the behavior is totally foreign to them. Chivalry is just not part of their reality.
Now that I've dealt with the lack of examples issue, let me now check myself and get real. Though I am a lady, I have to actually take some responsibility for this issue and here's why. I've been so focused on showing my strength and being independent that I sometimes don't fully allow a gentleman to behave as he should. Confession time...don't judge me. I'm guilty of sometimes grabbing the door when a gentleman is trying to hold it for me, getting annoyed with a man pulling out my chair or more so pushing me in, jumping out the car because I don't feel like waiting for it to be opened for me. I'm guilty, but I've made the first step to change by calling attention to the issue. I can in no way claim that chivalry is dead if my overly independent, “I am woman, hear me roar” actions are part of the reason it's dying off. In the current state of women in America, we have sometimes become TOO independent and often throw out the vibe..."I don't need a man, I can do it myself." If women keep acting like this when they really do need a man he won't want to be bothered; so please let's get it together. While this attitude may be great for the quest of independence, I think it has made gentleman more reluctant to do what comes natural when interacting with women.
Ultimately, I don't believe chivalry is dead, I actually think it can make a comeback. Just because a man or woman didn't grow up with proper examples doesn't mean that he/she can't make a positive change. At the end of the day, adults are responsible for their own behavior so no need blaming your past for your current shortcomings; learn from them. I challenge the male readers to step up to the plate and be the gentlemen who prove that chivalry is not dead. Ladies, our mission should be to find that fine balance between being lady and reveling in our strong independence that we've fought so hard to achieve. Let's pass on to the next generation a legacy that we can be proud of so that they won't even have to question if chivalry is dead; they'll know it's alive and well.
Hoping everyone is having a fabulous Martin Luther King Jr. Day. In honor of the day, I have chosen to highlight Coretta Scott King in the Pearls of Wisdom and The Modern Lady Spotlight. Mrs. King was a wonderful definition of a true lady who fought for the civil rights of many in this country. I'm sure that one of the reasons Dr. King was able to be such a great leader is because he had a strong woman by his side. I am thankful for their sacrifice and persistence in fighting for our civil rights that we benefit from to this day. We must remember to continue to serve our communities and stand strong in the face of inequality as the King's did.
Unwanted attention from inappropriate men is an issue that I'm sure many attractive ladies have had to deal with. I've dealt with my fair share of unwanted cat calling or advances and admittedly there were times when I've simply chosen to ignore it. However, in the last few years, especially after moving to the east coast, I've found that men find it quite offensive if a lady ignores their unsolicited advances. Some men have gotten annoyed to the point that they react with such lines as, "Ma, you don't have to be so stuck up." "Well, you ain't that cute to be acting that way." "I mean what you can't speak?!" and the one that makes me cringe the most is "B%$#@!" Men - just because I don't want to stop what I'm doing to give you attention or take a pause in my day to engage in a conversation with you does NOT give you license to call me out of my name or mean that I'm stuck up. I simply don't want to promote inappropriate behavior nor am I obligated to talk to you. Also, stop to think that if I don't want to talk to you I could possibly just not be interested or better yet I may have thought your approach didn't deserve a response. Just like you chose to open your mouth to say something to me, I can choose to keep mine closed. My lack of reaction does not give you permission to then be disrespectful in retaliation because you didn't get what you wanted.
Now, let me be clear. If a man is simply saying, "Hi, How are you?" or some other respectable comment I have no problem speaking or even engaging in a conversation. My lack of response comes when a man inappropriately tries to engage me by either grabbing at me (men this is a definite no no when you don't know a lady) or starts off with some disgraceful pick up line like "Dang ma, let me get your number, you know you want to give it to me." "Eh girl, I think I know you. No? Well you need to know me" or "Spst (ladies you know that sound), hey hey, come here sexy let me holla at you." Yes, these are actual pick up lines that men have unsuccessfully tried to use on me. To any man that's reading this and you find that these pick up lines are part of your arsenal of material when addressing a woman, I apologize if I’ve offended you, but if you are trying to address a LADY you need to revise your approach immediately.
After being called out my name one too many times by men who do not handle rejection well, I've revised my approach to dealing with this particular situation. I do now realize that completely ignoring someone can seem disrespectful and that's never my intention. I believe in giving respect as I demand it at all times. So I've learned to at least acknowledge the man, despite his poor approach, with a simple nod or smile and keep my distance. But I still refuse to stop and have an actual conversation with a man that can't properly approach me. You may disagree (feel free to let me know), but I'm a lady and I have standards.
At the end of the day gentlemen, there is nothing wrong with a simple approach and it really is OK to start by simply saying, "Hi, how are you? My name is..." So my advice here is a favorite saying of my mother's...KISS (Keep it simple sweetie). Gentlemen please don't try so hard, basic conversation starters are enough. Ladies we must keep our standards high and not feed into the foolishness. At the same time let's try to be nice and not blow a man off completely so you don't seem disrespectful. As much as you want to throw up your hand or roll your eyes this will only make the situation worse.
So my question for the ladies - What do you do when you deal with inappropriate advances? Gentlemen - How do you approach a lady that you are interested in talking to?
