I've recently started a new job and my first few days at the office reminded me of the premier episodes of the Real World. In the beginning everyone is so nice, all smiles, putting their best face forward, and trying to help you feel welcome. Whether it's to make them look better or help reassure you that you've made a good decision to work for that company; people tend to be on their best behavior when there is a new employee in the office. I know in my own experience I've held my tongue around the new employee or tried to give a better impression of the company than I may have truly felt it deserved. However...a few weeks or even just a few days into the job you start to see glimpses of people's true personalities and what you really are getting yourself into. At this point people's representatives have exited stage left and the real person that you'll be working with until you or he/she quits comes out. Luckily, I've had experiences where I realize that the real person is actually better than their representative because guards have been let down and they realize that you aren't here to steal their jobs or spy on them for the boss. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case and when the true essence of who some people are is revealed you sometimes wish you could stuff this new found personality into a closet never to see the light of day again. You find that the person is difficult to work with, doesn't understand that there is more than one way to do things, could care less about team effort, and is always looking for ways to throw somebody under the bus if it makes him/her look better. It seems that there usually at least one that is like this, but the key is to figure out how to either work with or around that person. You can't control that person's actions, but you can control your reactions to people. So instead of things turning into the typical season episode 5 brawl of the Real World, it's best to take the high road and learn how to play well with others despite their idiosyncrasies. It's better to learn how to recognize challenges and be proactive in facing them instead of being reactive not knowing how to handle the situation.
So ladies and gentlemen, when you stopped being polite and started being real were people still enchanted with your personality at work? Have you experienced this Real World change before as the new person at your job? A better question...have you found this same concept to be true with personal relationships? When dating??? That's a whole other post right there! Hahaha....
When People Stop Being Polite...and Start Getting REAL: The Office Edition
Posted by Madeline Mitchell
We live in a time where the general belief is that it's better to be overly busy than having too much free time. We only have 24 hours in a day and we have to do as much as possible with the time we have. It is great to be productive, especially when it helps to work toward a desired goal but it's crucial to make time for the important things in life that contribute to your happiness.
I've come to learn that some of the most important elements that should top the 'to do list' include taking care of yourself, being well rested, and building meaningful relationships. I find that these are the hardest to sometimes accomplish, especially all at once, but the rare times I've been able to reach this trifecta I tend to feel much better about life. When I don't get enough rest and am not being mindful of what I'm eating or not taking vitamins on a regular basis it reflects in my health, whether it's feeling tired or getting sick more often. In a busy life, extreme tiredness nor sickness are welcome as it takes time from accomplishing the goals at hand. It's great to take care of others and give of your time, but at the same time realize that if we don't make ourselves a priority, at least sometimes, we won't be much good to any one else.
The third component of the trifecta, cultivating meaningful relationships, is a component that I've found as I get older becomes harder and harder to achieve. I've found that it's essential for me to have core group of people that I can turn to that will help me navigate life. In realizing this I've also come to an understanding that it requires that I actually take time to build and strengthen my relationships. It's important to call and check up on people, be a good friend, listen when needed, provide words of reassurance and most importantly take time to be there when a friend needs you. I've found that reciprocal relationships have been the healthiest and most rewarding ones, because ultimately I feel like I have not only invested in the relationship but have gained from my investment of time with that other person. How often have you felt that you have been the one that has put more time and effort in a relationship? For me, when I get to this point I often have to figure out if the friendship is worth addressing the issue or if I would be better served by placing that person in the acquaintance category. It may seem like harsh logic, but let's be realistic are you really willing to spend precious time on those who don't seem interested in spending time with you or who never seem to be there for you when needed? This all goes back to the theory that quality is better than quantity. I'll take strong relationships with a few good friends that I can depend on over having hundreds of friends that I can't trust or will drop me like a bad habit when I need them.
So ladies and gentlemen, what have you missed from your life while filling your hectic schedule? Is your hectic schedule fulfilling or are you just filling in the empty spaces with nonsense? You may find that it's likely that you could do a better job at taking care of yourself and others.
I'm Back....Now Let's Fight!
Posted by Madeline Mitchell Labels: Advice, Argue, Fight, Relationships
Ladies and Gentlemen I'm back in business! I took a bit of a break there for a minute. Life got a bit hectic and well the first thing that dropped off was the fun stuff...blogging.So what prompted the comeback? Well along with my life finally calming down a bit, I heard about an incredibly interesting article from the Wall Street Journal this morning on the radio during my drive to work. The article is called 'Fighting Happily Ever After: There's a Right Way to Argue and It Can Be Good for Relationships.' Apparently, arguing isn't the issue as much as how we argue. Fighting fair, using a calm tone, taking time to think before we speak etc are things the article addressed as remedies to making a relationship work despite arguments. Well I think we should all be realistic here, sometimes taking the calm approach doesn't always work in the heat of an argument. We often react to arguments from an emotional place, rather than a calm and logical one. From a personal standpoint I am guilty of not always fighting right. Once I hit that turning point in an argument I am beyond speaking kindly in a calm tone and this whole theory of 'fighting right' is blown out the window. However I digress....recently I have come to the realization that my ability to fight right has more to do with how I personally handle conflict than the actual relationship. I have found that the same issue has come up with different people and feel that it's time for some self reflection instead of continuing to blame everyone else. It's important to understand my triggers and how to deal with them because ultimately I control my actions as well as reactions.
Another, key aspect that the article brought out is that it's essential to resolve issues as they arise. Too often unresolved problems become toxic to what could otherwise be healthy relationships and ultimately cause people to part ways. Sometimes the solution can even be to agree to disagree, but both parties should leave an argument feeling that the situation was resolved. So though no one really wants to go through the pains of arguing, it's necessary to resolve the issue at hand as avoidance can be even more of an issue than fighting.
So ladies and gentlemen, what do you think? Is there a such thing as the right way to fight? Or would we be better off avoiding the situation all together and not fight, though the situation remains unresolved?
I’ve found myself recently not living in my personal truth and as a result it threw me for a huge loop. It may hurt now and I have been emotionally bruised, but it has made me put a mirror in front of myself to see what needs to be healed. I realize that if I’m not being completely honest with myself, it’s hard to be truthful with those around me. When you aren’t living in your personal truth often you not only hurt yourself but others that you deeply care about. Though you can apologize profusely, sometimes the damage has already been done and it’s hard to recover, if at all. Being upfront and honest is much better than having to apologize for the omission of information or living in fear that someone won’t accept you for who you are. In our relationships, especially close or intimate ones, you should trust that you will be accepted for every part of you…the good, the bad, the ugly. Fear often is the culprit of many of us not living our personal truths, which may be a very valid reason but doesn’t excuse us from being fully honest with ourselves and others. However, we have to look beyond our fears and trust that God will not give us more than we can handle. I now understand that God sometimes has to knock you down on your face so that you have to seek Him to find the truth and understanding in your situation.
Please don’t get me wrong, I understand that some of our truths are not ones that we want to scream from the roof tops. A lot of us have been through some pretty personal and hard challenges in life, but we are faced with them to make us stronger and to teach us very valuable lessons. I’ve learned here recently that an important part of living your personal truth is having a friend(s) that you can fully share with, that no matter what he/she will help you navigate through hard times. There is nothing worse than dealing with major challenges in life or being presented with a new personal truth that you simply have to bottle up or keep to yourself. We all at some point in life have to be supported through something. The strongest people have the best support systems because they know that their strength sometimes comes from being reliant on someone else to carry them through difficult situations.
So to anyone that I’ve hurt while not living in my personal truth, I truly and sincerely apologize for any pain that I’ve caused. Realize that I’m not perfect and don’t expect anyone else to be perfect. As we all strive to live in our own personal truths, we will falter because we’re human. It’s important to realize at the heart of most people, they do have good intentions and though their actions may cause pain they were not intended to do so. Forgiveness of self and others goes a long way in living our personal truth. Ladies and gentlemen live in your personal truth; you owe it to yourself and the people you care about the most.
PDA...not the thing you use to keep your schedule...public display of affection. I'm personally an advocate of PDA. I think it's important especially in intimate relationships to feel comfortable to openly express your affection for another person. However, with all things...it's good in moderation. Over killing the PDA can make for a very uncomfortable situation for others who unfortunately fall victim of the situation. Prime example, I was in the line the other day at the store and got a bit more bang for my buck than I really ever wanted. While waiting for my turn to check out with the rest of the many customers at the grocery store on a busy Sunday evening, I was subject to the couple in front of me that forgot they weren't in their bedroom. Now like I said, I am all for PDA...holding hands, a quick kiss, heck I can even handle a little tap on the tush (I'm trying to be liberal here; work with me). However, I do NOT want to see a couple groping each other while I'm trying to stock up on my soy milk and fresh fruit for the week. I honestly don't want to see anybody 'squeezing the melons' as if they are looking for concealed weapons and swapping major spit in public. It really is awkward for onlookers as they start giving each other the "OK let's try not to look at the elephant in the room" face. So please ladies and gentlemen, love each other freely with PDA but realize that you should probably keep some of that for later and be sure not to taint people's innocent precious eyes. Hahaha (go with it people). OK?! Glad we cleared that up :o)
So, how do you feel about PDA? Is there a limit? Or am I just being a prude?
During the record breaking snow storms this month in the DC metro, I realized how important it was to have interaction with other people. I was stuck in my condo for the majority of about 8 days alone and had more than enough time for some self reflection. The biggest thing I came up with was that not only was human contact important but also having an element of affection. I was fortunate to be able to take some breaks from myself and hang out with my neighbors a few times, but somehow it just wasn't the same as being around friends or family who could give me a reassuring hug or look that everything was going to be fine.
As I've grown, affection has become such an important component of my life. It's great to have intimate relationships, but I've come to realize that affection doesn't have to always be romantic. Simply having friends and family there to provide a kind hug or touch just to let you know that you are loved has become a crucial part of life. I even find that genuine affection coming from my family is in one of its purest forms, because it comes from a very unconditional place. Despite my mistakes, I can always depend on my family to give me that reassuring boost of affection that makes me know that things will work out. There is nothing better than being able to crawl in my father's lap (yes I still do that at my age) or see the excitement in my niece and nephews eyes when I see them as they run up to give me a huge hug. All of this for me is necessary to feel like I'm loved and helps me maintain a balance in my life. The strongest person still needs reassurance of loved ones.
My friends have helped to fill that void that I sometimes have from being away from my family and the deficit of affection that I may sometimes feel. I've created a "chosen family" here that loves me, supports me, and provide the affection that is crucial for my life. So I pose the question to you: How important is affection in your relationships? (intimate relationships, family, friends, etc.)
A person's appearance is an outward reflection of his/herself, whether intentional or not. Your appearance whether it's your cloths, jewelry, shoes, style of your hair makes a statement about who you are. Part of the reason that it takes me so long to get dressed sometimes is because my style is usually a reflection of how I'm feeling. If I get up feeling energetic, I usually want to wear something that shows a bit of edge. However, if I'm not feeling well or in a grumpy mood, my outfit will most likely be chosen based on comfort than style. I'm also conscious of what I need to do for the day and dress appropriately, whether I'm going to a conference or out with my friends.
Though I think everyone should express themselves freely through their appearance, it's best to keep in mind the messages you're sending. For example, ladies if men can't seem to focus during a conversation, it could quite possibly have to do with that button you conveniently forgot to fasten or the lack of inches on the bottom of your skirt. This never gives a man a right to lose his mind and say or act inappropriately, but please keep in mind that wearing a revealing outfit may provoke undesired attention. Gentlemen, if you keep attracting immature women or someone that just isn't quite meeting your standards maybe you want to consider wearing an outfit that doesn't look like it's pulled straight from a Nike ad. I'm not criticizing these clothing choices by any means, both styles I've worn at some point. However, I've taken note to when and where certain styles are appropriate and the message that I'm trying to portray. If I want to be relaxed I'll throw on a sweatshirt and jeans, but I do realize if I'm going to Nordstrom or Lord & Taylor the sales person may be reluctant to think I have any real purchasing power. Not to say it's right, but I do know it happens. I know that that a more "professional" appearance tends to command more attention and respect.
So what does your appearance say about you? Are you not getting that promotion you really wanted or attention from the right man/woman? Could it have something to do with your appearance? It might be worth taking a look in the mirror to make sure you're sending the desired messages.
